On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Maine were Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on The even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through”.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”
Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”
A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne”.
“What a coincidence” said the farmer, who added. “It is a special day for me…I’m celebrating”. “It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating” said the woman.
“What a coincidence” said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating”?
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant”.
“What a coincidence” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”
“This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster” the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence.”
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’ and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news!”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily, from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she’d been trying for awhile so I told her, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!”
Then she said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean there’s more.”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said…. “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service center reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.
It’s gonna get ugly, people.
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.”
(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Bob, and Gil)
Have a great Friday. Be sure to add your own.