Funny Friday – Oct. 4, 2013

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Maine were Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on The even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through”.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”

—oo—

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne”.

“What a coincidence” said the farmer, who added. “It is a special day for me…I’m celebrating”. “It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating” said the woman.

“What a coincidence” said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating”?

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant”.

“What a coincidence” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”

“This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster” the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence.”

—oo—

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’ and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily, from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she’d been trying for awhile so I told her, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean there’s more.”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said…. “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

—oo—

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service center reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.

It’s gonna get ugly, people.

—oo—

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.”

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Bob, and Gil)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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8 Responses to Funny Friday – Oct. 4, 2013

  1. Buck says:

    What? That’s it??

  2. Mrs AL says:

    Hehehe … good ones, Hardnox.

  3. Kathy says:

    Little Johnny

    A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

    Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

    Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

    And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

    ~~~

    Mary Margaret

    Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, “Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?” When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.

    The teacher said, “very good” and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and savior?” But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!” ” shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said “very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

    The teacher asked her a third question “what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?” Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The teacher fainted.

  4. Terry says:

    Those are ALL classics, ‘Nox & Kathy !
    Kathy…notice how I held my tongue on those 2 blonduh jokes ?
    I just know ‘Nox was setting me up with them, but I figured blonduhs have enough problems already….

  5. Terry says:

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
    The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
    That’s how the fight started…..
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
    ‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
    ‘Is that your final answer?’
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s when the fight started…
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
    “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And that’s when the fight started…..
    _______________________________
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, “Do you know him?”
    “Yes”, she sighed,
    “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn’t been sober since.”
    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?”
    And then the fight started…
    _______________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

  6. AfterShock says:

    What a hoot! 🙂 I needed that hardnox, Grinning ear to ear gave me a facial charlie-horse, just haven’t given the ‘ol smile-muscles much of a work-out lately. Thanks!