A mechanical engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him back to me.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied … “Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight.”
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was! While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,
“Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”
“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck…….
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?’
“Oh, NO,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so, he didn’t say much until after dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”
“Oh, my goodness, NO!” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car, and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose, so, he ventured forth with, “Ahhh … mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”
“Sure, that would be nice”, she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, ‘What the have I done?’.
He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing…..what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them — that you don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’.
The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than anything that can happen to a guy.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts. “
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Ted Hornsby is just such a person. Read his story below … It will surely bring tears to your eyes.
QUOTE FROM Ted:
“I’m often asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’ Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most in life is converting beer, wine and good whiskey into urine. When my bladder is full, I go out in the back yard and piss on a photo of Obama. I do this at least once every day and I really enjoy it.”
Ted is an inspiration to us all.
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous “
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”
Got home late from golf last night and missed dinner again.
Wife left me a message in the kitchen.
I’m guessing she wants me to eat more fruit.
(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Kenny, Kathy, and Bob)
Have a great Friday.
PS. be sure to add your own below.