Funny Friday – Sept. 20, 2013

bubblewrap

—oo—

A mechanical engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him back to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

—oo—

algebra

—oo—

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied … “Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight.”

—oo—

Hillary

—oo—

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was! While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,

“Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck…….

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?’

“Oh, NO,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so, he didn’t say much until after dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh, my goodness, NO!” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car, and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose, so, he ventured forth with, “Ahhh … mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice”, she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, ‘What the have I done?’.

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing…..what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them — that you don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!

—oo—

Illinois sign

—oo—

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’.

The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than anything that can happen to a guy.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts. “

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

—oo—

iran drivers

—oo—

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Ted Hornsby is just such a person. Read his story below … It will surely bring tears to your eyes.

QUOTE FROM Ted:

“I’m often asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’ Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most in life is converting beer, wine and good whiskey into urine. When my bladder is full, I go out in the back yard and piss on a photo of Obama. I do this at least once every day and I really enjoy it.”

Ted is an inspiration to us all.

—oo—

Stupidlibs

—oo—

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous “

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”

—oo—

Got home late from golf last night and missed dinner again.

Wife left me a message in the kitchen.

golf

I’m guessing she wants me to eat more fruit.

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Kenny, Kathy, and Bob)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

PS. be sure to add your own below.

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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17 Responses to Funny Friday – Sept. 20, 2013

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL!! Good ones, ‘Nox!! I love Fridays!

    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
    hospital.
    Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
    “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
    “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
    “Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over!
    Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
    “The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s
    arm.
    I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
    “Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
    when he bumped into the surgeon.

    “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
    “Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life.
    My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
    “That’s great,” said the surgeon.
    “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve
    learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes
    in watercolors.”
    “Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was
    such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
    “Well, just one problem,” said the golfer.
    “Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

  2. Clyde says:

    Some good ones there. Another true Clyde car hauling story. When I was driving an experimental truck that was the cab-over-engine type, I arrived at a Buck dealer in southern Wisconsin one afternoon. When I got out, and the dealer came out, he saw how short I was in relationship to the truck. (The driving position on the Chevrolet Titan 90 was about 9 feet off the ground)Well, he started laughing. Being he was quite tall, well over 6 feet, he asked how I was going to get back up there when I was done unloading his cars. I told him to stand right there, the company had a helicopter flying along my route to lift me back up. Well, in the coincidence of a lifetime, just after he had signed my delivery receipts, here it comes. A big ol’ Chinook, about 100 feet above his lot. The guy was SPEECHLESS. I, on the other hand, LAUGHED my ass off.

  3. Mrs AL says:

    Ok, having a short attention span, Hardnox, I am drawn to the pics. My favorite is the Illinois billboard.

    As if this comment- Kathy and Clyde have increased the laugh meter. Good ones.

  4. I have to give a couple thumbs up to Kathy, Clyde and of course, Hardnox. What a Friday, eh???

    Two Scottish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

    “Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

    The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, “Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”

    Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”

    ~ ~ G ~ ~

  5. Terry says:

    Y’all killin’ me today. How ’bout sum southern humor :

    Florida
    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” He pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

    The old guy paused, then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
    “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

    Georgia
    The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice; he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia . I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

    Mississippi
    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
    Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
    The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

    South Carolina
    A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then, he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious that he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
    The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

    Tennessee
    A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
    The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

    Texas
    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?”
    “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ ”

    Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South,
    But y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ and
    ‘movin’ North.!

    • Hardnox says:

      Good stuff. You’re right about the retiring…

    • Anne says:

      Those were great, Terry!

      I’ll have a try at it. Usually I tell jokes pretty badly, so I myself become the punchline. Fortunately typing is easier than talking! (Don’t we all wish there was a backspace key when we spoke?)

      =======

      A group of nuns was taking a cross country road trip. As they were speeding down the interstate, they passed a state trooper, who flipped on his lights and followed them. They pulled over and rolled down the window. The trooper walks up and says to the driver, “Excuse me, Sister, do you realize how fast you were going?”
      “Well, sure. I was going 95, just like the sign says.”
      “The sign? No, no, that says I-95. That’s the road you’re on, not the speed limit.”
      “Oh…I see,” says the nun.
      As the trooper glances into the car, he notices one of the nuns laying back against her seat, looking pale and not so good. He asks if anything is wrong with her.
      “Oh, she’ll be okay,” says the nun who is driving. “We just got off of Hwy 180.”

      =======

      I got this gem off of Pinterest, as published in a Letters to the Editor section of a newspaper. I love it!

      “Guns Don’t Kill People

      Yesterday I placed my shotgun on the front porch, gave it six shells, and noticing it had no legs, placed it in a wheelchair to help it get around. I left it alone and went about my business.

      While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the boy across the street picked up my yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near my house.

      After 10 hours, I checked on the shotgun. It was still sitting in the wheelchair. It had not rolled outside and It had not killed anyone in spite of many opportunities that had been presented. It had not even loaded itself.

      Can you imagine how surprised I was with all the hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people? Either the media is wrong and the killing is by people misusing guns or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world. So now I’m off to check on my spoons, because I hear they make people fat.

      Donald K. Martin, Windsor Locks”

  6. Richard Lakes says:

    I went out the other day to see the brand new Chevrolet Silverado that has been totally redesigned. The dealer took me for the customary test drive. While out, he pointed out the new front seats which he said were specially engineered for a high degree of comfort. He said that in the summer, the new seats blow cool air over your butt and in the winter, the seats blow hot air over your butt for warmth. I stated that this must be a Republican car. He asked me why I said that. I told him that if it was a Democratic car, it would be like Obama and would blow smoke up your ass all year long….the salesman had no sense of humor and made me walk all the way back to the dealership.