Funny Friday – Sept. 13, 2013

—oo—

I was standing in a bar in Chapel Hill yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?”

“No”, I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

—oo—

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs” who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, ” I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

—oo—

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

—oo—

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.” The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??

—oo—

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, “Well… I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”

The officer then asked, “Really?  And, who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

—oo—

I was in Scottsdale, AZ the other day.

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”

—oo—

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but…..there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too soooo.. I listened as the lady told her story.

“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”

“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

“And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Buck, Bob)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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21 Responses to Funny Friday – Sept. 13, 2013

  1. Clyde says:

    Sounds like my wife, after the boob smooshing. She asked the tech if they were making Booby Wine.

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good ones, ‘Nox. Yep, Belinda would be dead meat.
    ~~~
    Boudreaux was in New Orleans .

    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

    He’d done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Boudreaux went over to him and said, ‘Ain’t it ’bout time ya let the Catholics across?’

  3. Mrs AL says:

    Hehehehehehehehehe. I needed that.

  4. Garnet92 says:

    “Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror,” LOVE IT!!!

  5. CW says:

    This was an exceptional Funny Friday, Hardnox! I’ll have to send these to my friends. Here’s an old one I hope everyone hasn’t heard already:

    A farmer wanted to breed his sows but he didn’t have a male pig (what the heck are they called anyway?) so he called his neighbor down the road who did have a male and the neighbor said, “Bring ‘em on over!” So he loaded up the sows on the truck and went to the neighbor’s farm where he left the sows with the male pig for a while, then he loaded them all up and came home.

    After a time it became clear that it didn’t work and he called the neighbor to ask if they could come by again. The neighbor said, “Sure,” so he loaded the pigs on the truck and off they went to spend the afternoon with the male pig.

    A couple of weeks later he still wasn’t sure it worked so he asked the neighbor if he could bring the sows one more time. The neighbor agreed, but when the farmer went out to the pig pens, all the sows were gone. “Where are all the sows?” he asked the farmhand. The farmhand said, “Well, two of ‘em are on the truck and one’s in the front seat honking the horn.”

  6. You folks are TOO GOOD~! Thanks for the Laughs – We needed them.

  7. Terry says:

    All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

    > Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen.

    > Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    > The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

    > After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

    > Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    > Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

    > It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    > Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

    > Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    > Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

    This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.