Male Life Cycle:
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello?”
“Mrs. Sanders, please.”
“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.
“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
“I’m in complete agreement with PETA, we SHOULD make more room for all of God’s creatures. How ’bout right next to the mashed potatoes?
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
(special hat-tip to Gil, Kenny, Skip, Terry)
Please add your own below.
Have a great Friday.