Funny Friday – September 6, 2013

Male Life Cycle:

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

—oo—

nsa

—oo—

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello?”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful!  Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

—oo—

First

—oo—

“I’m in complete agreement with PETA, we SHOULD make more room for all of God’s creatures. How ’bout right next to the mashed potatoes?

—oo—

stupid

—oo—

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

—oo—

(special hat-tip to Gil, Kenny, Skip, Terry)

Please add your own below.

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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23 Responses to Funny Friday – September 6, 2013

  1. Kathy says:

    Good ones, ‘Nox!!

    Here’s some quotes from Steven Wright, who always made me laugh because he could say this stuff and never crack a smile.

    Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

    Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’

    If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

    I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

    Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

    You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.

    The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

    All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

    Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

    I’m living on a one-way dead end street. I don’t know how I got there.

    Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

    I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

    My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

    Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

  2. Clyde says:

    Some good stuff, especially the last one.

  3. Clyde says:

    Q. What is the difference between cowboy boots and truck driver boots?

    A. The cowboy boots have the bullshit on the OUTSIDE.

  4. British humour as it used to be – taken at face value – not to be taken seriously.

    It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed
    to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide
    in to stop the coloureds from running.
    ————————————————————————-
    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
    ————————————————————————-
    Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves
    that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.
    Many are drug dealers.
    ————————————————————————-
    Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of
    improvements.
    ————————————————————————-
    Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
    ————————————————————————-
    They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in
    Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London: Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.
    ————————————————————————-
    Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
    But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!

  5. Mrs AL says:

    My favorite is “The First Senior Moment.” Hysterical.

    And the thread is hilarious. Thanx for the laughs all !

    Here is a link to my favorite Bob Newhart routine of all time:

  6. Mrs AL says:

    OH DRAT … Can you delete that Hardnox? I DID NOT MEAN TO PASTE THE VIDEO. EGADS — IT’S IMAX all over again, eh Terry?

  7. CW says:

    Very funny as always, Hardnox. I actually remembered one to share this time:

    A middle-aged woman was home listening to a talk show one day and the subject was how to put some excitement back into your love life. A female caller called in to say that she sometimes surprises her husband at the door wearing nothing, calling this her “love dress.” So one day when her husband is coming in the door after work she appears stark naked, and says, “Surprise!” The husband says, “What are you doing?!” She replies, “I’m wearing my love dress,” to which the husband responded, “Well, it needs ironing.”

  8. Terry says:

    I know some of you saw this already….but I LIKE IT !

    Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a café chatting over a plate

    of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

    The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts

    flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

    ”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.”

    ”Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.

    “He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides.

    “Oh, so sad dear…” says the other.

    ”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.”

    ”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, ”he had such curly hair

    when he was born.”

    ”He’s a martyr too…” says the mother quietly.

    ”Oh, gracious me…” says the other.

    ”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have

    been 18, she whispers.

    “Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first

    started school…”

    ”He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully

    at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

    “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

  9. Hardnox says:

    I see y’all have been busy today while I was gone. Funny stuff!