The Pesky Truth Gazette, Vol II, Number H [satire]

Vol. II, Number H

July 7, 2013

Where was the president while our mission at Benghazi was being overrun by terrorists?

Now we know.

Pesky Truth has received an anonymous tip from a concerned citizen (calling himself “Deep Spleen”), who has provided irrefutable video evidence that president Obama was NOT in the White House on the night of September 11, 2012 (the night of the Libyan terrorist attack that killed our ambassador and three of the diplomatic mission staff).

He was not in bed, he was not in the Situation Room, and he was not golfing or shooting hoops.

He was aboard the “Isabel,” John Kerry’s $7 million dollar Friendship yacht. The 76-footer was anchored just a half-mile offshore with all navigation lights off. A pair of dinghies were guarding the yacht, each 100 yards or so away from the Isabel.

And apparently, Senator Kerry (who served in Vietnam) was there too, “reporting for duty,” as it were.

Deep Spleen provided images of the two men, clad only in towels, cavorting around the deck, apparently playing leapfrog (at least that’s what it looked like), slapping each other on the butt, and tugging playfully at each other’s towels. At least a dozen are clear enough to easily identify the two parties.

Reverting to his old country club yachting habits, Kerry was flying his “If the yacht is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’” ensign, which is the maritime equivalent to a tie on a doorknob.

Because it was dark and moonlight was sometimes interrupted by clouds, some images are just silhouettes. A couple of later images made it obvious that the towels had been dropped, the men were au naturel, and John Kerry was standing “at attention” (ostensibly in the presence of his Commander-in-Chief). According to DS, they did seem to be taking turns, one playing “commander” while the other played “chief,” and then changing places.

After what appeared to be a lot of high school locker room grab-ass, the men “went below” (interpret that however you wish). Shortly thereafter, muffled sounds could be heard emanating from the cabin: moans and squeals, grunts and yelps, our paparazzi couldn’t identify who was the moaner and who was the squealer and understanding anything that was said was made impossible by the sounds of the Secret Service guys in the dinghies barfing up their dinner.

Deep Spleen was forced to leave before the lovers two democrat party icons returned to shore so he wasn’t able to report any further on the late night tryst “diplomatic strategy meeting.” But PT has learned that the two have been seen holding hands briefly in the Monica Room next to the Oval Office. An unsubstantiated report also has Secretary Kerry fondling a cigar as they enter the room.

PT wonders whether we’ll see either one change their Relationship Status to “In a Relationship” on Facebook. Or will they just remain BFFs (Butt Friends Forever)?

~~~

A FLASH UPDATE!

July 10, 2013, exclusive to the Pesky Truth Gazette.

Our trusty informant, “Deep Spleen,” has located eyewitnesses that saw Secretary of State John Kerry onboard the Isabel during the recent Egyptian crisis.

While this isn’t new news, Kerry’s guest may be … eyewitnesses identified the guest as Anthony Weiner. Weiner was spotted sunning himself, clad only in his lumpy gray briefs while Kerry appeared to be taking pictures. He was posing Weiner, moving the wiener around, and snapping away using an old Polaroid-style camera. At least we can take some comfort in the knowledge that those pictures won’t end up on the Internet.

We thought that the story would end there, but … other sources tell PT that the president found out about Kerry’s time entertaining A. Weiner and blew a gasket. First he was angry, then sad, but finally just really, really disappointed.

Word has it that he was expecting a Promise Ring from the Secretary next Saturday night when they were scheduled for a one on one diplomacy session in the oral oval office. Reports were that Obama was all aglow in the belief that he had finally found his soul-mate and … one who served in Vietnam.

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